WRONG BIAS, anyone?

 

 


WRONG BIAS, anyone? This page is for sharing interesting items, that may or may not have happened on the Greens or in the Club House. it will also contain the occasional joke, or two, or three. Anyone wishing to contribute can send an email to Bob Day, if you have his address, otherwise send a message through "Contact Us" on this website. 


 

On a  beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of  people are shipwrecked :-

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1  French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek  woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1  Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and  1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1  English woman

  

One month later on the same island in the middle  of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

  

One Italian man  killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French  men and the French woman are living happily together in a  ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of  alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are  sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for  them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless  ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started  swimming.

The two Japanese men have emailed Tokyo  and are awaiting  instructions.


The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor  store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men  are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining  about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything  they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household  chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend  respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her  relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are  low and it isn' t raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island  into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if  sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few  liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the  English aren't having any fun.
 

 

The two English men are waiting for  someone to introduce them to the English woman. 

  


 

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco’s store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tesco’s.

 

Better watch what you ask retired people.

 

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

 

 


 

Watch as Australian magician James Galea pulls off

 

one of the most sophisticated card tricks ever seen.

 

With a single deck of cards, split several times, he tells a story.

 

You might want to be sure your socks are tied on!!!

 

 

 

 


                                                            New Seniors Accommodation Complex.

 

  On the first day at the new seniors accommodation complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors, pointing out some of the rules:

 

1.  "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.

 Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

 

2.  He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60."

 

3.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions ?”

 

 Ron, an older gentleman, stood up in the crowd and inquired, "How much for a season pass ???"

 


 

 

Murphy drops a slice buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on
the floor and then they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.

It must be miracle.

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle.
I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it.
He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
Quite outside the natural laws of the universe.

Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before ruling a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.

 Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'No Miracle'

They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side.

 


 

FORTY BOEING 737 AIRCRAFT EACH MONTH . . . .

 

Ever wonder how Boeing produces over FORTY 737 aircraft a month ?

 

A train arrives with the completed main body in the morning. 

 

They turn them out about one every 18 hours and every part is supplied by the lowest cost supplier.

 

This 3½ minute video is fascinating.

 

 CLICK BELOW :

 

Really Amazing: A must watch for all aviation maintenance personnel - Boeing Assembly Line - YouTube

  


 1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. 

 


 

 

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical

 

Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

 

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning or are you flying off somewhere?’

 

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on her rear end and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

 

I trust this clears up any confusion.

 

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.


 

 

A Policofficer pulls over a speeding car. 

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 K`s in a 60 zone , sir."

The driver says, "Goodness, officer,I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:"Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket,the driver looks over at his wife and growls,"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?" 

The wife smiles demurely and says,"Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"  

The officer frowns and says,"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

Well no Officer! "Only when he's been drinking."

 


 

 

 

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat” The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.'”

 

In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.

 

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple.

 

This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand  is always blowing, my djbellah protects the entire body,”

 

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

 

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they

 

are also extremely hot. These babouches' keep us from burning our feet.”

 

 

 

 

 

"So tell me then," added the boy.

 

"Yes, my son."

 

 

 

"Why are we living in Manchester and still wearing all this crap?"

 


 

 

 

Drone over China…

Sights that would not be seen from ground level... awesome!! 

Click on: Drone View in China

 


 

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out all about the young man.


The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.


"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable; but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"


"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."


"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.


"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."


"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"


"Don't worry, sir. God will provide," replied the fiancé.


The conversation proceeded like this and each time the father raised a question, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. 


Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

 


The father answered,


"Just another Labor voter. He has no job, he has no plans and he thinks I'm God.

 


 

 

Getting Old Should Require Training ...

 

 


I bought a new stick deodorant today.

 

The instructions said:

 

“Remove cap and push up bottom.”

 

It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart,

 

the room smells lovely.

 


 

 

How to put on a bra.

Check out "JANE BOND"


 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning  jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old  was amazed at the  guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

 

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina  with the ladies." 

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. 

He said, "Do  you have any rye bread?" 

She said,  "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" 

He said, "I  want five loaves." 

She said,  "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be  hard."

 

The old man  says to himself,  I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me.


 

MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2018
 
I have been in many places,
but I've never been in Kahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone.  
You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.  
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.  
They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there,
thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions,
but you have to jump and
I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt.  
That is a sad place to go and
I try not to visit there too often.
 
I've been in Flexible,
but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable and
I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense!  
It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get!
 

 


 

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,




'Please ...... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
 

 

 


 

 

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and

thinking things through, you will love this!  Arcelor-Mittal Steel,

feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was

determined to rid the company of all slackers.

 On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a

wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that

he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a

week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a

week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back

in two minutes, and  handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's

four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO  looked around the room and

asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that  goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from  Domino's".

 


 

 

AER LINGUS FLIGHT FROM DUBLIN TO BOSTON  

 THE SELFLESS IRISH 

THE IRISH NEVER HESITATE TO COME TO THE AID OF THEIR FELLOW MAN, AIR PASSENGERS, IN THIS CASE. 

 

SHORTLY AFTER TAKE-OFF ON AN OUTBOUND, EVENING AER LINGUS FLIGHT FROM DUBLIN TO BOSTON, THE LEAD FLIGHT ATTENDANT NERVOUSLY MADE THE FOLLOWING PAINFUL ANNOUNCEMENT IN HER LOVELY IRISH BROGUE: 

 

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SO VERY SORRY, BUT IT APPEARS THAT THERE HAS BEEN ATERRIBLE MIX-UP BY OUR CATERING SERVICE.  I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED, BUT WE HAVE 103 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, AND UNFORTUNATELY, WE RECEIVED ONLY 40 DINNER MEALS.  I TRULY APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MISTAKE AND INCONVENIENCE." 

 

WHEN THE MUTTERING OF THE PASSENGERS HAD DIED DOWN, SHE CONTINUED: 

"ANYONE WHO IS KIND ENOUGH TO GIVE UP THEIR MEAL SO THAT SOMEONE ELSE CAN EAT,WILL RECEIVE FREE AND UNLIMITED DRINKS FOR THE DURATION OF OUR 9 HOUR FLIGHT.” 

HER NEXT ANNOUNCEMENT CAME ABOUT 2 HOURS LATER: 

 

"IF ANYONE IS HUNGRY, WE STILL HAVE 40 DINNERS AVAILABLE."

 


 

Love on a singles cruise



                                Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

                                Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

                                Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.
                                While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

                                Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

                                Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." 

 


 

 

This should be the immigration entry requirements! 

 

You know you are Australian when: 
 
.You believe stubbies can be either worn or drunk

 

.You pronounce Melbourne as “Melbin”

 

. • You think Woolloomooloo is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

 

. • You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife

 

. • You reckon the letter “l” in Australia is optional and it’s perfectly OK to call it “Straya”

 

. • You believe it makes sense to have a $1 coin that is twice as big as a $2 coin

 

. • You understand that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga” but “Woy Woy” cannot be shortened to “Woy”

 

. • You enjoy going to Bunnings for the sausage sizzle

 

. • Having beetroot on your hamburger is normal

 

. • You understand that "chuck a u-ey" is actually a carefully executed driving manoeuvre

 

. • You're relieved to see that the daily fire danger warning is 'only' high

 

. • You think that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them

 

. • You understand that “Excuse me” can sound rude but “s’cuse me” is always polite

 

. • You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, sometimes via your nose

 

. • You can go on holidays to another country in less time than it takes to fly to the other side of your own

 

. • You understand “having a barbie” involves catching up with mates and not playing with a doll

 

. • You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel gets too hot to hold and the seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron

 

. • In summer, hot water comes out of both taps.

 

• You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in “o”” – ambo, arvo, garbo, metho, milko, muso, speedo, righto

 

. • You know that there is a universal place called “Woop Woop” located in the “middle of nowhere” no matter where you currently are

 

. • You can understand all the above.

 


 

 

And we wonder why North Korea   is willing to sit down and
 talk???

 
 

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