WRONG BIAS, anyone?

 

 


WRONG BIAS, anyone? This page is for sharing interesting items, that may or may not have happened on the Greens or in the Club House. it will also contain the occasional joke, or two, or three. Anyone wishing to contribute can send an email to Bob Day, if you have his address, otherwise send a message through "Contact Us" on this website.  

  

 


This is why we love children !

1) NUDITY   I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report . ' My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

 9) DEATH   While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton  wool , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'    

10) SCHOOL   A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!


 

 

 

 

Logic from an Uncluttered Mind

 

little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 

 

 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though 

 

 

 

it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

 

 

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

 

 

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 

 

 

 

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 

 

 

 

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 

 

 

 

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. 

 

 

 

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 

 

 

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 

 

 

 

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

 

 

 

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' 

 

 

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 

 

 

 

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother,

 

 

 

she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' 

 

 

 

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. 

 

 

 

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 

 

 

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

 

 

 

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' 

 

 

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

 

 

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 

 

 

 

'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' 

 

 

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, 

 

 

 

she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 

 

 

 

'Yes,' the class said.

 

 

 

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' 

 

 

 

A little fellow shouted,'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

 

 

 

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

 

 

 

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 

 

 

 

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

 

 

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 

 

 

 

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'

 

 

 


 

 

Rats in Churches

 

 

 

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their rat infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the rats were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

 

At the Baptist church, the rats had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the rats drown themselves. The rats liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many rats showed up the following week.

 

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their rats and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the rats were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

 

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the rats and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

 

                    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first rat and circumcised him. They haven't seen any since.

 

 


 

 

God Loves Drunk People Too... 

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. 

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" 

 

He slams the door and returns to bed. 

 


"Who was that?" asked his wife.. 

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. 

 

"Did you help him?" she asks. 

 

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!" 

 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? 

 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! 

 

"God loves drunk people too you know." 

 


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. 

 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" 

 

"Yes," comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. 

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.  

 

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. 


 

 

 

'Service' explained !

  
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with
These agencies:
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW !!!   It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us !

 


 

As BUDDHA was quoted: "There are three things that cannot be easily hidden,
the sun, the moon, the truth."

Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a
Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the areshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he
was shot by the woman's husband.


Also, all politicians should serve only two terms, one term in office and
one term in jail.

 


 

 

                                             THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US

 

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

 

 

Very Interesting Predictions

 

Auto repair shops will go away. 

 

A gasoline engine has 20,000 individual parts. An electrical motor has 20. Electric cars are sold with lifetime guarantees and are only repaired by dealers. It takes only 10 minutes to remove and replace an electric motor. Faulty electric motors are not repaired in the dealership but are sent to a regional repair shop that repairs them with robots. Your electric motor malfunction light goes on, so you drive up to what looks like a Jiffy-auto wash, and your car is towed through while you have a cup of coffee and out comes your car with a new electric motor! 

 

Gas stations will go away. Parking meters will be replaced by meters that dispense electricity.  Companies will install electrical recharging stations; in fact, they’ve already started. You can find them at select Supercheap Auto locations.

 

Crime will go down. Ram raids will become a thing of the past and criminals will no longer be able to make a quick getaway in an autonomous vehicle they hired like a taxi as they will all be trackable. Parking fines will disappear. Speeding and traffic fines will become a thing of the past and State governments will need to find a new way to tax people as will the Federal government who will no longer benefit from fuel and excise taxes.

 

Most (the smart) major auto manufacturers have already designated money to start building new plants that only build electric cars.

 

Coal industries will go away. Gasoline/oil companies will go away.  Drilling for oil will stop. So say goodbye to OPEC!

 

Homes will produce and store more electrical energy during the day and then they use and will sell it back to the grid. The grid stores it and dispenses it to industries that are high electricity users. Has anybody seen the Tesla roof?

 

A baby of today will only see personal cars in museums.

 

The FUTURE is approaching faster than most of us can handle. 

 

In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt. Who would have thought of that ever happening?

 

What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next  5-10 years and, most people don't see it coming.

 

Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later, you would never take pictures on  film again? With today’s smart phones, who even has a camera these days?

 

Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had  10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law.  So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen again (but much faster) with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.

 

Forget the book, “Future Shock”, welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.

 

Software has disrupted and will continue to disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.

 

UBER is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now  the biggest taxi company in the world!

Ask any taxi driver if they saw that coming.

 

Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties.

Ask Hilton Hotels if they saw that coming.

 

Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world. 

This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.

 

In the USA, young lawyers already don't get jobs. Because of  IBM's Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for right now, the basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans. So, if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% fewer lawyers in the future, (what a thought!) only omniscient specialists will remain.

 

Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, its 4 times more accurate than human nurses.

 

Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans. In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.

 

Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars are already here. In the next 2 years, the entire industry will start to be disrupted. You won't want to own a car anymore as you will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it you will only pay for the driven distance and you can be productive while driving. The very young children of today will never get a driver's license and will never own a car.

 

This will change our cities, because we will need 90-95% fewer cars. We can transform former parking spaces into parks.

 

1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide including distracted or drunk driving. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles; with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in 6 million miles. That will save a million lives plus worldwide each year.

 

Most traditional car companies will doubtless become bankrupt. Traditional car companies will try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels. 

 

Look at what Volvo is doing right now; no more internal combustions engines in their vehicles starting this year with the 2019 models, using all electric or hybrid only, with the intent of phasing out hybrid models.

 

Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla and so they should be. Look at all the companies offering all electric vehicles. That was unheard of, only a few years ago.

 

Insurance companies will have massive trouble because, without accidents, the costs will become cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.

 

Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move farther away to live in a more beautiful or affordable neighborhood.

 

Electric cars will become mainstream about 2030. Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity.

Cities will have much cleaner air as well. (Can we start in Los Angeles, please?)

 

Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean. 

 

Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact. 

And it’s just getting ramped up.

 

Fossil energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that simply cannot continue - technology will take care of that strategy.

 

Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.  It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any Disease. There are dozens of phone apps out there right now for health purposes.

 

WELCOME TO TOMORROW – it actually arrived a few years ago.

 

 

 

Farmer Thought He Overpaid For This Rooster, But Was Shocked When It Did This

This is great.

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.

The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese!

By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught – worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob – stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful – and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh, they’re getting closer “


On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wifeThe certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.  The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

 

The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine.

 

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say:  '1-2-3.'   When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."  The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked :  “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 

"Your partner  must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." 

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

 

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:  "1-2-3!"  Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked:  "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 


 

6 Types of Sex.

1.  PENSION SEX
Two men were talking."So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."
"Pension sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

2.  LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said. "That's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is.
"The problem is," she complained. "It wakes me up!"

3.  QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"

4.  ARGUMENT SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary.
The husband yelled. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'"
"Yeah," she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

5.  WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it
all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

6.  ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97-
year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she

had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 97, if he could still
have sex...he could also probably fly.

 


 

On a  beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of  people are shipwrecked :-

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1  French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek  woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1  Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and  1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1  English woman

  

One month later on the same island in the middle  of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

  

One Italian man  killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French  men and the French woman are living happily together in a  ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of  alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are  sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for  them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless  ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started  swimming.

The two Japanese men have emailed Tokyo  and are awaiting  instructions.


The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor  store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men  are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining  about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything  they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household  chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend  respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her  relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are  low and it isn' t raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island  into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if  sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few  liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the  English aren't having any fun.
 

 

The two English men are waiting for  someone to introduce them to the English woman. 

  


 

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco’s store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tesco’s.

 

Better watch what you ask retired people.

 

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

 

 


 

Watch as Australian magician James Galea pulls off

 

one of the most sophisticated card tricks ever seen.

 

With a single deck of cards, split several times, he tells a story.

 

You might want to be sure your socks are tied on!!!

 

 

 

 


                                                            New Seniors Accommodation Complex.

 

  On the first day at the new seniors accommodation complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors, pointing out some of the rules:

 

1.  "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male quarters to the females.

 Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

 

2.  He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60."

 

3.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions ?”

 

 Ron, an older gentleman, stood up in the crowd and inquired, "How much for a season pass ???"

 


 

 

Murphy drops a slice buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe
that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on
the floor and then they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.

It must be miracle.

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